The question must be asked: how do you make a child?
“Haa…”
A deep sigh escaped Cassia’s lips.
If she had to pick the most dreadful aspect of her ten-year marriage, it would undoubtedly be her relationship with her husband. Cassia had never once experienced even a sliver of joy in their marital relations. The married servants would often say that intimacy wasn’t only for making children, but that wasn’t the case for the young couple of the Greze Estate.
Zester was a man whose libido was split between excessive and nonexistent.
The reason she suspected he had no desire was because in their ten years of marriage, he had never once initiated intimacy. Then again, Cassia was the same. Because of that, the couple only did it on designated days.
The act was pretty much done as an obligation.
Cassia had pushed most of those scenes out of her mind because recalling them in detail was just tormenting herself.
But at the same time, that didn’t mean Zester was a man without desire.
In fact, it was a top reason why Cassia hated their marital relations. The first reason was that it felt completely bland, obligatory and painful, and the second reason was that Zester would torment her for an uncomfortably long time, when they did the unspeakable act. On those days, he was less like a man and more like beast, as if he had been saving it all up for one explosive release.
Since Cassia had no prior experience, she assumed that’s just how things were supposed to be so she just said endured quietly even when it hurt or made her uncomfortable. It wasn’t until much later, after eavesdropping here and there, that she realized there was a big problem in their martial relationship but by then, it was too late. She and her husband were more estranged than strangers and more distant than anyone else in the castle.
They weren’t even close enough for her to suggest something like, ‘Maybe we can try to be gentler and more affectionate when we do it?’ so she gave up. She figured since it was only happening on designated nights like an obligation, there was no need to waste energy worrying about it.
Still, even though it was an obligatory act, it bore fruit.
In the summer of her 19th year, Cassia became pregnant with their first child, Rael. When she told him about her pregnancy, Zester’s reaction was quite the experience. He stared at her blankly for a good ten minutes, then finally, he must have figured his wife just wanted to hear some praise, so he said:
『Good work.』
Naturally, any remaining affection she had for him was blown away in an instant, like a handful of dust in the wind. It wasn’t as if she conceived the child on her won. The child was clearly his, a child that carried both of their blood and was the heir to the Greze House. Couldn’t he at least pretend to be happy?
‘What was I even expecting from him?’
Cassia decided not to dwell on those suffocating memories anymore. What mattered now was that her husband, Zester, whose emotions were as dry as a squid in front of fire, had never truly welcomed or loved their children. If they were there, fine. If not, oh well. That was probably what he was thinking.
Still, he never skipped the scheduled conjugal nights. In the spring of the 22nd year, Cassia became pregnant again with their second child, whom she named Lucy. And once again, their cold father made no move to even name the baby. Both her first child, Rael, and her second child, Lucy, were named by Cassia alone.
Ugh, let me stop thinking about this.
Cassia shook her head hard.
The more she thought about the past, the more regret and anger she felt and all she could remember was the indifference of her heartless husband.
In any case, she couldn’t just storm over to her husband and demand a divorce right now because of her unborn children. She couldn’t part with Zester without having her beloved Rael and Lucy again. That meant she had to remain Baroness Greze and Zester’s wife, at least until the spring of her 22nd year when she safely conceived Lucy.
What a life…
Cassia, who was still sitting at the dressing table, stood up and weakly dragged her feet back to the bed.
As she lay down, the cushion wasn’t particularly comfortable. When she first came to Greze, it took her a long time to adjust to how every little thing, was inferior to what she’d had at the Ruberno Castle. But now, having lived here for over a decade, it was more familiar than anywhere else.
I’m tired.
The moment she lay down, a wave of exhaustion fell over her. Cassia closed her eyes, unable to resist. She decided to take a deep breath, nap and when she woke up, she’d think about how to spend these new ten years she was given.
Of course, if by some miracle, she woke up in heaven this time around, she wasn’t going to refuse.
And with that thought, Cassia drifted into her first sleep in this newly awakened life.
* * *
Hell was still there when she woke up.
Cassia calmly dressed herself.
Her second-life plan was simple: to have no plan at all.
She casually stepped out of the room to find Zester and ran into the ten-years younger-looking Butler Paul. Paul, who had just been about to knock, was startled by the door opening first but he quickly greeted her with a friendly smile.
“Hello Madam, I am Paul, the butler of the Greze Castle. I was just about to show you around the castle and give you the opportunity to assign some handmaids of your choosing.”
A castle tour!
As the new lady of the territory, it was indeed something she was supposed to do. She was supposed to be briefed on the inner workings of the castle, meet the staff, and go on a formal inspection of the territory with Zester.
Cassia frowned. She had zero intention of going through this suffering all over again. It wasn’t like she was learning anything new; the information was already in her head.
“I’d prefer to talk about that later. Right now, I’d like to see the Baron.”
Just in case Paul tried to insist on her duties, Cassia quickened her pace. But the always-considerate Paul spoke up behind her:
“Yes, Madam. Shall I guide you to the Lord then?”
Ah. Right. Cassia had just arrived at the Greze Castle. She hadn’t been around the castle except in her own room. How could she know where Zester’s room was?
Cassia turned around and smiled awkwardly.
“I’d appreciate that.”
“Yes, Madam.”
Paul led the way. Zester, being away more often than not, only used three rooms in the castle: his bedroom, the study, and the library. Apparently, he was in the study today. Once they reached the door, Paul gave her a polite bow.
“Thanks.”
“Of course.”
Cassia took a deep breath and opened the door.
Zester sat at his desk, behind a mountain of papers, scribbling with a black quill pen, then he looked up. He paused, seemingly taken aback her to see her.
“…What is it?”
Do husbands and wives only meet when there’s something to discuss?
Cassia clicked her tongue inwardly at Zester’s never-changing response. Every time she looked for him in her previous life, this was exactly how he reaction. Then again, she had only ever visited him when she had a reason.
“Huu!”
Cassia decided she needed to take the initiative immediately. What she was about to say to Zester was hardly fitting for a refined lady.
She glanced around the office and dragged over a creaky, old wooden chair from the side. With a screech, she pulled it till it was right in front of his desk.
After dragging the chair over somewhat frivolously, Cassia plopped down on the chair and crossed her legs. She also made sure to fold her arms and lift her chin arrogantly. Zester, who was watching all this, looked dazed.
“I have something to say.”
“…What is it?”
“Your butler just came to see me. Now that I’ve become the lady of the estate as of yesterday, I am expected to take over from the Butler in managing the internal affairs of the castle, correct?”
Zester lowered his quill and looked at her more seriously.
“I suppose so?”
“Unfortunately, I have zero talent for domestic affairs. Nor am I interested. If I took over, the entire household would fall apart. As you know, this wasn’t a marriage I prepared for, and I have zero desire to make it work either. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t expect me to fulfill any duties as the Lady.”
Cassia’s eyes were unwavering.
In her past life, she had taken her duties as the lady seriously without anyone even asking her to. Since Zester was always away, she naturally assumed the role of acting lord. She had fumbled at first, but she was naturally capable and learned quickly. Eventually, the people of the territory praised her as the best lord they’d ever had.
But in the face of death, none of it had mattered. Perhaps the reason behind her unknown illness was that she had pushed her body so hard without rest.
She never wanted to live such a foolish life again.
Now, she would live a life where she was happy and her body was comfortable.
Even though she had decided that to herself, Cassia felt a little intimidated by Zester’s stare
“Do you have a problem with that?”
“…No, I don’t. Do as you wish.”
Zester’s hesitant answer was surprising.
In her previous life, he had never pushed her to work, but she never thought he would easily nod when she openly said she wasn’t going to fulfill her duty.
Noticing his expressionless face had taken on a slightly bewilderment, Cassia added,
“Are you sure? Don’t go changing your mind later. Well, even if you do, I still don’t plan on working…”
“It’s fine. I’m just a little surprised. You seem like a completely different person from yesterday.”
“Ah.”
Cassia immediately understood and exhaled softly.
Yesterday’s Cassia was the timid and scared seventeen-year-old who had just arrived at the Greze territory. Today’s Cassia was a seasoned veteran of life, reborn at twenty-seven. Naturally, they would feel like different people.
“I guess you’re the type that’s very clear when you like or don’t like something. In that case, you should have refused if you weren’t willing yesterday. There was no need to force yourself to spend the night with me.”
Zester spoke while picking up his quill again. Somehow, it felt like there was a hint of dejection in his tone.
Cassia mulled over his words for a moment, then replied.
“I think you’re misunderstanding something.”
Zester raised his eyes to meet hers.
“I didn’t have any experience, so I didn’t know whether I’d like it or not. Simply put, I didn’t know I hated it before. I just came to hate it after we did it.”
Cassia’s brutally honest review of their first night caught Zester off guard.
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